How First Time Managers Can Find Their Own Communication Style
She got promoted on a Friday. By the next Friday, she was saying things like "circling back" and "per my last email," just like her old boss.
Does that sound familiar? Everybody is a unique, authentic person, and leadership is no different. There are common principles, but everybody leads in their own way, based on their strengths.
The copying problem
When you're a first time leader, you go off of example. You borrow from old bosses, from LinkedIn, from books, from TV. It feels safe, like a crutch.
That information matters. But it's a set of tools for your toolbox, not a copy and paste situation. What worked for someone else may not fit your strengths or how you live your life.
It can also come off as inauthentic. When people sense that, they start to question your decisions and your why. And playing a character takes a lot of energy.
Your former peers will notice first: "Why are you talking to me like that now?" Yes, the relationship changes. You're not commiserating with them anymore, and you're held to a higher standard. But that doesn't mean you have to change your entire personality.
I did this too
In one of my in-house HR roles, I reported to a leader who was very formal. She'd ask a formal question and then go dead silent. It often came off as cold.
After a while, I noticed I'd picked up her tendencies, especially in writing. There's a difference between professional and formal, and I was stretching myself to match what I thought was expected of me.
It wasn't me. I'm warm, I'm open, and I talk with my hands way too much. And that attracts a different type of person. The executives felt comfortable with her buttoned up style, and the rest of the team felt comfortable coming to me.
It took a lot of deconditioning. I started paying attention to how I phrased things, and I related to the team, not to my boss.
Your strengths show you your style
I think of strengths like muscles. They start out as talents, and you build them up. But when you overdo it, you get blind spots.
Command is clear and direct, but can feel blunt.
Harmony finds common ground, but can dodge the hard part.
Analytical leads with facts, but can feel cold.
Empathy reads the room, but can soften the message too much.
None of these are wrong. It's not pros and cons, it's awareness. The goal is to know yours.
Three moments where clarity matters most
Setting expectations. Don't say "clean the back room." Say "the back room needs to be swept, boxes broken down, and it all needs to be done by 3 p.m. today."
Weekly one on ones. Same time every week, and don't cancel. Go through their agenda first, then yours. Ask three questions: What's going well? Where are you stuck? What do you need from me to move forward?
Tough messages. Say it early and say it plainly. Clarity is kindness. Putting it off isn't being nice, it just causes more friction. Then use your strengths to deliver it. If you're high in Harmony, open with a shared goal. High in Command? Soften the landing and ask questions after. High in Empathy? Don't bury the point in a compliment sandwich.
Two questions before any important conversation
What does this person need to hear?
How do my strengths help me say it?
What this looked like with a real team
One leadership team I worked with was heavy in Harmony and Empathy, and the managers avoided being direct. When an employee asked for a raise well outside their role and the budget, their manager kept putting off the conversation. The tension spread to the whole team.
When they finally had it, they were clear and kind. They explained the why, the salary ranges, and the milestones it would take to get there. The employee was disappointed, but they understood and appreciated how thoughtful it was. The manager's words: "That anticipation almost killed me. I will never do that again."
Lead like you
You don't need to sound like someone else to lead. Be clear, be kind, and lead from your strengths.
Want your team to see each other's strengths side by side? I run CliftonStrengths team workshops, and they're some of my favorite things to do. Book a call here.
